i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
