considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
