How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
