I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
