I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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