There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
