just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
