i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
