i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We need to rekindle our bromance
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
