im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
