LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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