You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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