Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
