I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
