Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
