ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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