I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
