oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
