Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
