Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
