I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I lost the right to judge tonight
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
