And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
