im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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