Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
