I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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