Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
