I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
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when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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