My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
