the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There r osticjed everywhere
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
