I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
