This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
