they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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