you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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