Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
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i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
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also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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