Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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