Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
