I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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