Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
