just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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