I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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