I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
