Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
