i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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