My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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