Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Randomize
