dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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