This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
