After last night, I could never be a politician.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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