Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
