Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
