I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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