just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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