remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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