Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
