I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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