i don't like sucking hair
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
