what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
