she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
