duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think my moral compass just broke
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
