Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
